GOP Debate Live Reactions, 11/22

Okay, is it just me, or did they swipe the opening sequence to "Homeland" for this intro?

The Contestants of Survivor: GOP

MITTEN "FEE FEE" ROMNEY

NEWTON "STAY PUFT" GINGRICH

HERMAN "THE HERMBURGLAR" CAIN

RON "GLEEP GLORP" PAUL

RICK "PERRY THE PLATYPUTZ" PERRY

MICHELE "CRAZY EYES" BACHMANN

JON "I AM FAR TOO REASONABLE FOR THIS SHIT" HUNTSMAN

RICK "PLEASE DON'T GOOGLE ME" SANTORUM

- Oh for fuck's sake, haven't we met them enough already? I'm tired you people trying to come up with new taglines. Also, Wolf, way to get really excited for flavor of the week, Stay Puft. You have zero integrity.

- My television seems to have had an adverse reaction to Rick Santorum.

- And now, we commence with - oh? Sorry. Anthem time.

- Great, once again, they picked someone to sing the anthem that most of the people onstage would like to see hanged. Just once, I want the Glee cast to sing it. Please.

RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE.

- "I'll be the moderator. To clarify, I am a moderator, not a werewolf."

- Everyone's taking notes. They must've forgotten the rules from the other 900 times they did this.

- Wolf is excited to be here, yet a fucking gain.

- No joke, my tv blipped again when Santorum started speaking. Is it the network, or is my TV secretly gay and very angry?

- Ron Paul is right about many things, except when he's wrong, or insane.

- Rick can't think of anything to say, so he's making a verbal love note to his wife.

- Mitt Romney just said Mitt was his first name. Congratulations, you're a moron. Your first name is Willard.

- Herman Cain is here to discuss a critical issue: cheesy bread.

- "I'm Newt Gingrich. I am excited to finally be noticed. I plan to make you all regret that by evening's end."

- Michele Bachmann's brother is in the Navy? Marcus must be uncomfortable at family dinners.

- I'm Jon Huntsman. I love New Hampshire. So much.

Lead question: Do you heart the Patriot Act as much as I do?

Flavor-of-the-Week Stay Puft: Criminal law and potential terrorism are different, even though that is not what the Constitution says at all.

[Newt's voters. They don't know. Anything. About him. They're. Too stoned. Teabagging. Tomorrow they're all gonna see. He's just the flavor of the week.]

Gleep Glorp: Don't sacrifice liberty for security. I'm still nuts, though, don't worry.

Stay Puft's rebuttal: Tim McVeigh FTW? Oh, I see - guilty until proven innocent, nine years later, after you've been rotting in Guantanamo for long enough to turn you hostile.

Gleep Glorp: STFU, Newt.

Michele: Duty. Please note, every debate, she adds more eyelashes.

The Huntsman: Distance makes the heart grow fonder when it comes to America. This theory also applies to Michele Bachmann. His face is screaming "move me back next to Newt, at least his eyelashes aren't building webs."

Wolf: TSA patdowns.

AWW, HE CALLED ON ROMNEY. THE LOGICAL CHOICE WOULD HAVE BEEN HERM. HE'S AN EXPERT AT PAT-DOWNS.

FeeFee: Crime and war are different. Terror might also be? We need tools. I know one. His name is Mitt Romney.

Perry the Platyputz: Unions are the enemy of flying? We need to collect intelligence around the world. And please, when you find it, TELL RICK PERRY. He needs some.

Profiling

Santorum: No, seriously - he's discussing how this is similar to the Civil War. 

So, who do we profile?

Santorum: Muslims. Duh! Also, younger males. They might be gay.

Ron Paul: Bringin' Timothy McVeigh back into it. Nice. "Terrorism is a tactic. It isn't a person or people." And there he goes, back onto the crazy train, with his new game: Six Degrees of Assassination.

Hermburglar: "Targeted identification." Finally, a plan that doesn't involve the word "nine." Herm seems to believe that all terrorists want to kill all of us. I'm not sure that's the case.

"I'M SORRY, BLITZ. I MEANT WOLF." Best flub ever.

Fred Kagan. No relation to Elena: Drones in Pakistan to defeat Al Qaeda?

Huntsman: We need people who can lead. And term limits. Shiny things. Name dropping, in the sense that he can name who is in charge in Pakistan. Oh snap.

Crazy Eyes Bachmann: Pakistan is evil. And their nuclear sites are vulnerable. Chinese are also evil. Does this mean Huntsman gets to respond?

Platyputz: Full sentences!

Bachmann responds: You're naive, Perry. I swear to god, her face gets more and more like Barbie's friend Midge with each passing debate.

Platyputz: Let's get engaged.

Israel Ortega (JEWMEX?) asks some stuff about Afghanistan.

Mitten: We need to bring these cave-dwellers into the 20th century. Look at Mitt, being all sensitive to cultural ideals! Oh, wait...

Huntsman: GTFO of Afghanistan. Leave 10-15k troops.

Mitten: Do you think we should pull everyone out at once?

Huntsman: "Did you hear what I just said?" ZING.

Mitten: "I stand by the commanders." Once again, just what the base wants to hear.

Huntsman: Mitt's a schmuck.

Wolf: Literally, all he said was "pull out?"

Stay Puft: Shut up, Mitt. It's my turn.

Mitt: Blah blah mic hog.

Stay Puft is confused about the topic. And the time. Michele finds this amusing.

Santorum: "I agree with Ron Paul." Santorum raises his eyebrows. Three people clap.

Audience question. We think? No? Yes? Awkward? Okay, Heritage guy - If Israel attacked Tehran to prevent Iran from getting nukes, would you support it?

Wolf then translates for Herman. No, really.

Herm: We need to get credible sources, and see Israel's plan. And maybe join in the fun.

Ron Paul: Fuck no. And it's not going to happen.

Herm's response: I totes said that! Even though I didn't. Iran might help fill the power vacuum if we pull out of Afghanistan. I think he means Iraq. But right region, Herm.

Audience question: Seriously, what's with the sanctions on Iran?

Perry the Platyputz: Sanction the bank.

Newtsy Bootsie: Good question. We need a surplus of energy so we can tell the Europeans and Iranians to fuck off.

Bachmann: Obama tried to disarm us, in some way that relates to the pipeline. Ahmadinejad wants to wipe Israel out - never mind that the Ayatollah is the one in charge and Ahmadinejad is just a crazy little meatball.

Paul Wolfowitz - another Wolf! It's pack! Run! Anywho: Should we continue to fund the Millenium Challenge Corporation?

Santorum: I wrote that. Africa is a country. But yes, keep spending the money.

Hermburglar forgot the question again. Wolf reminds him.

Herm: Depends. Let's look at stuff and then decide. I'm not sure.

Ron Paul: The aid is worthless. It doesn't help most people. It's being used for the rich over there to buy weapons.

Mitten: We should get rid of Obamacare!

Ron Paul: You're all full of it.

Mitt: Indict Ahmadinejad for violating the Geneva - no I mean the Genocide - no Gen...Genocide? Convention. *headdesk*

Alison Acosta Fraser: Would you be willing to say that cuts to the defense budget are unacceptable?

Newt: Nope. We should be more like Apple. There's an app for defense!

Huntsman: We're pretty much fucked. And nobody trusts us. (Side note: I totally presented a study on this a few years ago. I rock. Back to Huntsman now.)

Question: Supercommittee. Go.

Perry: Supercommittee? Superfailure! Zing!

Santorum: The democrats are crazy. Never compromise! Never surrender! Never google me!

Alex: The supercommittee would have done jack. What entitlement reform proposals do you suggest?

Fig Newton: Ay, yay, yay, yah. We should all be more like Chile!

Bachmann: Um. I'm not recapping this. I refuse.

Philip, another Heritage foundation guy: Drug violence on the border.

Perry the Platyputz: Monroe Doctrine. Chavez. But yeah, we should borderize the border and stuff.

Ron Paul: Cancel the drug war. Free the whales! Okay, he only said the first part, I'll admit it.

Wolf: So you mean, legalize the drugs?

Ron Paul: At least let the sick people blaze up.

Herman: Let me answer the question. Yes. The Mexican border lets in terrorists. 

Nick S.: How do we make the US appealing to skilled immigrants?

Santorum: I'm an anchor baby.

Wolf: What do we do about the illegal immigrants who are already here?

Stay Puft: Math.

Bachmann: No Amnesty! No Dreams! Only sadness! Steve Jobs!

[Newt is smiling like he wants to reach over and stab her.]

Newt: Eat my migrant-picked lettuce, Michele.

Mitten: Staple green cards to diplomas.

Newt: It's cool if y'all want me to be the gremlin-toothed douche. I'm used to it.

Perry the Platyputz: I agree with Mitt. Mostly because I'd like to be the Veep.

Mitten: Please don't make me decide things!

Question: No-fly zone in Syria?

Herm: I would not support a no-fly zone. I'm also not entirely sure where Syria is.

Perry: Can we talk about Iran? I know that one better.

Twitter question: Is the Arab Spring be a good thing or a bad thing?

Huntsman: We missed the Persian spring. Unfortunately, Ron Paul and I are the only people on the stage with any idea what that means. And sanctions are pointless.

Katherine Zimmerman: I am reading a super scripted question and I have dry mouth. Regardless, what should we do about Al Shabaab?

Ron Paul: "We're talking about Al Qaeda, correct?" HERMAN CAIN MOMENT!

Mitten: USA! USA! USA! We should have a no-drive zone. LAWLZ.

Perry: This is about Iran. I swear it is.

Last audience question: Marc Thiessen. No relation to Tiffani. What national security issue should we stay awake at night thinking about that we haven't already thought of to scare the piss out of people?

Santorum: I'm going to take some trips.

Rick Perry: Ass sheep. Ash heap? We're not sure.

Hermburglar: Cyber attacks.

Stay Puft: 1. WMDs. 2. Electromagnetic pulse. 3. Cyber attacks. 4. Ghostbusters.

Michele: Al Shabaab. It's rampant in Minnesota.

Huntsman: China. Trust me, I know my shit. But, more importantly, we're our own fucking problem.

AND THE MARATHON BLOGFEST IS DONE! I WIN LIFE! 

Wait, what? John King is in for Anderson tonight? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Oh fuck, and Dana Loesch is on? Make it stop! Make it stopppppp. God, Dana Loesch will crawl up the frontrunner's ass no matter what. It could be a dung beetle, and she'd crawl on in. Fuck. That woman needs to be banned from TV. Dana Loesch : punditry :: Snooki : New Jersey

GOP Debate Live Reactions, 11/12

(Note: I'm coming into this late as I had better things to do than lose brain cells watching these clowns - namely, sweeping spiders and leaves off my porch.)

It has been suggested that I use bullet points to make things more visually clear. We'll give it a go.

Time stamp: 8:23pm. Man with Jay Leno's jaw sewn into his head talking to Perry the Platyputz, who is prattling on about...not really sure. Lots of words, not many actual points.

- Haha. Michele Bachmann on the Intelligence Committee is an oxymoron. No, not an oxymoron. Just a moron. And what's with her getup? Velour suits and crazy eyeliner were two weeks ago, for Halloween, Michele. Ah well, at least it's better than her Michael Jackson straightjacket.

- Oh, fuck you, Michele. Obama bats his eyes prettily at Israel, he just doesn't bend over for it like Bush did. It's still a ridiculous double standard we apply to them. And you asshats all just want Israel protected so the Jews can congregate there and set up the second coming and fireballs and shit. It's like an intervention - if we want peace, we have to stop enabling. No more AmeriCrack for Israel.

- Blah blah, Newt. I was eating a brownie, I didn't hear what you said and I still don't care.

- Santorum wants a friend. He'll take anyone who's willing. Pakistan? Sure! Mutant lizard from the Fukushima plant? Neato! He's not picky.

- Seriously, it's like this guy has Neil Patrick Harris' cute button features poorly Photoshopped onto Jay Leno's head.

- Michele's smile going into commercial break TERRIFIES me.

- WHY IS YOUR FACE SO CONFUSING, SIR? Oh, God, don't switch to Newt, that's worse.

- I'm just curious, are they going to have a debate on every single channel?

- Okay, so, Newt wants to be Mitt's runningmate. Clarified. Ugh, I'd have to call them MittNewton. No delicious fig filling there, just marshmallow fluff and Wonder bread.

- Herman, Herman, Herman. First, I'll try saying something nice: your suit looks well-tailored and I like your tie with it. Unfortunately, you are still a misogynistic gropasaurus rex.

- Um...Santorum, are you saying you only plan to hire people who have the exact same views as you do? Oh, yup, you are, thanks for clarifying. Coward. Even I have some close Republican friends, and I'm so liberal I reek of rainbows and flax granola.

- Heyyyyy...Perry gets a point for self-depricating humor. He must have good spin doctors. Not a great stylist, as I do believe that is a woman's suit jacket, and I believe I have it in my closet. I got it at Express.

- I'm pretty sure the guy on the stage with "hands on" experience is Herman Cain.

- Rick Perry, summarized: I will hire people who know stuff, since I don't.

- Email questioner who said torture is always wrong: GOOD ON YOU, SIR. Responses as follows:

Cain: I don't know, so I will let other people decide while I still get the cool desk. I like to enhance stuff. Probably with Viagra.

Bachmann: I know some acronyms. Not facts so much, but some acronyms. I can haz competence.

Why is moderator claiming to have spidey sense?

Ron Paul: Waterboarding is torture. I have integrity, and will thus never be president. Also, because I'm a space lizard.

Bachmann: LEMME TALK. I WANNA TALK. CAN I TALK PLEASE?

Huntsman: Please stop ignoring me. I have a pink tie, which is not at all a questionable choice for this venue. I, like Ron Paul, will never be president as I retain my soul. Also, because I mixed up which party I belong to.

Mitten: I will say whatever the audience wants. Can we get them to hold up signs to tell me what they'd like me to say?

Pillsbury Doughsleaze: I seem to have difficulty recalling international laws. I'll go ahead and insist I know what I'm talking about while insinuating that Neil Patrick Leno is incorrect. Even if facts disagree with me.

- Kenneth the Paige's older brother is a moderator? Neato. Topic: China. Responses:

Perry the Platyputz: Ash heap. Cyberwar. Communism.

Mitten: Trade. Farms. They want our market. Counterfeit.

Mittens' follow up: We will tattle on China to the WTO.

Moderator has quoted Perry, and successfully made "ash heap" sound like "ass sheep."

Huntsman: You people are idiots. I'm making hand gestures. Blogs.

- Commercial break. Newt is leaning on his podium like a lobbyist leaning on...well, on Newt.

- Twitter question to Perry about Israel and foreign aid:

Perry: Lolz. I can use interwebs speakz 2. @GovernorPerry says Isrl=special but all aid starts @0.

- Apparently the debate is no longer going to be televised on this channel. Flipping channels to see if anyone is picking it up...nope. No one gives a rat's ass. Apparently I could stream it online but streaming and blogging simultaneously just won't happen. Oh, well. I think one of the Harry Potter movies is on, that's leaps and bounds more intelligent than this shit.

GOP Debate Live Reactions, 11/9

Hooray! Survivor is on aga - oh. It's this again. Rats.

How will they deal with the growing unrest? By bickering like schoolchildren!

I do, in fact, see NBC, thanks.

My money, my vote? Does that mean I have to pay for a vote? MISLEADING.

I do not know these moderators and dislike my prior knowledge of them as it makes it harder to mock them.

"For a debate that will focus almost exclusively on..." NONSENSE!

HAH. She called you a speaker, Newtle. Except A/V equipment is much cooler than you are.

They let Huntsman come this time? How sweet.

Just in case you get off topic, there are electric eels waiting to fall from the rafters.

Worst. All-stars. Ever.

The economy dipped because of Italy. Because with Berlusconi's resignation, the underage hooker market will collapse.

Caboose? What now?

Actually, "60 Minutes" is not an hour, as there are about 16 minutes of commercials.

Mitt, I've already fallen asleep listening to you.

Michele Bachmann, can you spell "IMF"?

Oh please, stop blaming the Obama administration for borrowing practices. Find something that is actually their fault.

Oh god, WHO IS THIS LOUD GUY? SOMEONE MAKE HIM GO AWAY. THESE CAPS IMPLY A VOLUME AKIN TO HIS.

Nice tie, Ron Paul. Mildly non-ridiculous answer. Gold star! They do have those on your planet, right?

Stop shouting, dude. You're mic'd.

One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just isn't the same. Can you tell me which one's not like the other by the time Huntsman finishes talking? Ding ding ding. It's Huntsman.

Oh thank god, someone with the ability to CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE.

I think the woman in the front row is asleep. And the man next to her is really creepy.

"Much of my parents make their life here." Really, Mitten? Really? Also, I can direct you to a map if you need to know where Washington is. My guess is that Rick Perry has an app on his phone, right next to the breathalyzer app.

Did this guy steal Huntsman's hair?

The things Mitt Romney says are...I'm sorry, did he just say Massachusetts was close by, or did I mishear that? Also, Perry may also have a counting app if you need it. He's probably playing with it right now to time your response so he can complain about it.

Governor Perry. Perry the Platypus. That is what I will call you if you win, buddy, although on second thought, that might be insulting to platypi. Maybe I'll go with Perry the Platyputz.

I think you should be fired, too, Newt. Out of a cannon.

Michele Bachmann: "I can create jobs as quickly as possible by hiring more people to apply my false eyelashes."

HEY, 1986 WAS A GOOD YEAR, LADY.

I will vote for building a border fence if all of you stay on the other side of it.

Why is Santorum shiny? It's making my eyes hurt.

Hint: when they start clapping, stop talking.

OH SNAP, SHE BROUGHT IT UP. Herm is piiiiisssed. Why do these people like him so much? I don't get it. He has no redeeming qualities. He hasn't even given me free pizza, which, I have to say, I would probably not throw at him in disgust as I really like pizza. Unless he gave me a pepperoni pizza. Then I'd make him a new hat. A pizza hat.

I don't appreciate when you're polite, Mitten. It makes me briefly forget your role in my middle school being so old it had a bomb shelter.

You really don't want to win this, do you, Huntsman? Please, just declare yourself a primary challenge to Obama. It'll make things easier for us all.

Either you're lying or have never met a Democrat, FeeFee. Unless you count Jon Huntsman, and I do.

Hey, Shouty McShouterson - obviously they are all going to say that they can both create jobs and make profits. Stop shouting a dumb question.

The parks are paid for by tax dollars, Newt.

*gasp* That sounds like social welfare to me, Santy!

Hey, funny story. You know who signed the first income tax into law? It rhymes with "Schmabraham Schmincoln."

It is simple, Herm. That's why they used it in SimCity.

Mitten doesn't have a flat tax, he has a flat affect.

The gist of what Michele Bachmann just laid out is "we plan to implement complicated tax codes that are completely symbolic and raise no revenue."

WAIT, WHAT? I CAN MEET SPONGEBOB AND THE RUGRATS AT BOB'S FURNITURE?! OH MY GOD, THIS IS SUCH A THRILL.

Governor Romney, answer in thirty seconds. While hopping on one foot and humming Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star and holding a groundhog. Then you would capture my attention.

"Translate that plan to America." Preferably in sober English.

*raises hand* If we do away with all the regulations since 2008, that will include one year of Bush-implemented regs. Just a reminder.

"I have never done any lobbying. Just kidding!"

Herman, what would you do with Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac? Grope them, of course.

You are correct, Huntsman. I am upside down. IN BED.

Fine, it's not true, I'm making pasta. But in theory, you know.

Ricky! Back behind your podium! It's not snack break yet!

Repealing Obamacare:

Huntsman: Party with the govs! Refreshments are on Herman! Wait, did he say Hermanizing medical records?

Ron "Gleep Glorp" Paul: Implement an unreasonable and unsustainable plan that is so obscenely vulnerable to corruption I can already feel myself being malpracticed on.

Perry the Platyputz: I can say words, too, guys!

The Hermburglar: Misogynistic comments.

Mitten: Do the thing completely the opposite of what I did when I was governor. We have memory zappers, right? That wasn't just in Men in Black, was it?

Stay Puft:

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM AS THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME SORT OF CRIME OR DISPUTE OCCURRING OUTSIDE MY APARTMENT. MUST INVESTIGATE, THEN TURN OFF ALL LIGHTS AND PRETEND I'M NOT HERE.

I'll just assume - oh, no, wait, Stay Puft is still yapping away.

Crazy Eyes Bachmann: Play Monopoly

Rick "Please don't Google me" Santorum: I can write.

I will bet all the cookies Ron Paul keeps in that Keebler tree of his that what Santorum just said was not an actual occurrence.

TIME. TIME. SHUT UP, FEE FEE.

I can't believe there's another hour of this shit.

On compromising with Dems:

Santy: Make them be Republicans. Which will totally work.

Mittenpoof: Crap that is completely unlikely to happen.

Perry the Platyputz: Move caterpillars around. Forget stuff. Do nothing to improve your image as a terrible and probably drunk debater. Oops, indeed.

Hermburglar: Nein nein nein. Put things in bold.

Newtle is not prepared to raise taxes on Americans. Or do stuff. Also, it's "have hidden," not "have hid."

Yeah, let's model shit on Chile. Good plan. Who's got the Phoenix capsule?

There are a lot of moral issues, here. You're not on the high ground on many of them, Mitten.

"Say that again?" And I spit pasta all over the place. Thanks, Michele.

I just noticed the ticker with the snarky tweets, and I am in hysterics. I'd also watch a reality show in which Newt debated journalists, and to the person who mentioned that "Princess Nancy" is trending in case anyone still wanted to vote for Hermain Cain, kudos. THIS TICKER IS AMAZING. PLEASE MAKE IT A THING.

AW, YOU FINALLY THOUGHT OF IT, PLATYPUTZ!

I actually hope Perry wins the primary just so that we have the pleasure of watching him try to debate Obama.

It was more of a mistake for Schwarzenegger to have a secret child with the maid, if we're talking mistakes.

That was the creepiest chuckle ever, Huntsman. But you make a good point about China. I wish you had any chance whatsoever to win the primary, I think I'd like to watch you and Obama face off. And not in a SNL sketch sort of way that it would be if Perry tried.

Ticker says: "Who would win a memory contest between Rick Perry and Herman Cain right now?"

COUNTERFEIT COMPUTER CHIPS?! O NOEZ. Let's all boycott spring rolls!

Um, I don't think we can complain about enriching China with our money since our money is actually theirs.

Herman - you are not allowed to say "nine" this time. Go. PREEMPTIVE BET HE WILL MENTION IT ANYWAY. Okay - it counts if you allude to it. I win a pizza.

Who let Shouty McShouterson back onstage and why is he off his leash?

Nice job personally attacking three big players in the Democratic party, Herm. Stay classy.

He's not my crony! I swear! I didn't even invite him to my birthday party, when I turned 741 space years old.

Oh thank god. It's over. I'm going to go bang my head against a wall for awhile.