(Note: I'm coming into this late as I had better things to do than lose brain cells watching these clowns - namely, sweeping spiders and leaves off my porch.)
It has been suggested that I use bullet points to make things more visually clear. We'll give it a go.
Time stamp: 8:23pm. Man with Jay Leno's jaw sewn into his head talking to Perry the Platyputz, who is prattling on about...not really sure. Lots of words, not many actual points.
- Haha. Michele Bachmann on the Intelligence Committee is an oxymoron. No, not an oxymoron. Just a moron. And what's with her getup? Velour suits and crazy eyeliner were two weeks ago, for Halloween, Michele. Ah well, at least it's better than her Michael Jackson straightjacket.
- Oh, fuck you, Michele. Obama bats his eyes prettily at Israel, he just doesn't bend over for it like Bush did. It's still a ridiculous double standard we apply to them. And you asshats all just want Israel protected so the Jews can congregate there and set up the second coming and fireballs and shit. It's like an intervention - if we want peace, we have to stop enabling. No more AmeriCrack for Israel.
- Blah blah, Newt. I was eating a brownie, I didn't hear what you said and I still don't care.
- Santorum wants a friend. He'll take anyone who's willing. Pakistan? Sure! Mutant lizard from the Fukushima plant? Neato! He's not picky.
- Seriously, it's like this guy has Neil Patrick Harris' cute button features poorly Photoshopped onto Jay Leno's head.
- Michele's smile going into commercial break TERRIFIES me.
- WHY IS YOUR FACE SO CONFUSING, SIR? Oh, God, don't switch to Newt, that's worse.
- I'm just curious, are they going to have a debate on every single channel?
- Okay, so, Newt wants to be Mitt's runningmate. Clarified. Ugh, I'd have to call them MittNewton. No delicious fig filling there, just marshmallow fluff and Wonder bread.
- Herman, Herman, Herman. First, I'll try saying something nice: your suit looks well-tailored and I like your tie with it. Unfortunately, you are still a misogynistic gropasaurus rex.
- Um...Santorum, are you saying you only plan to hire people who have the exact same views as you do? Oh, yup, you are, thanks for clarifying. Coward. Even I have some close Republican friends, and I'm so liberal I reek of rainbows and flax granola.
- Heyyyyy...Perry gets a point for self-depricating humor. He must have good spin doctors. Not a great stylist, as I do believe that is a woman's suit jacket, and I believe I have it in my closet. I got it at Express.
- I'm pretty sure the guy on the stage with "hands on" experience is Herman Cain.
- Rick Perry, summarized: I will hire people who know stuff, since I don't.
- Email questioner who said torture is always wrong: GOOD ON YOU, SIR. Responses as follows:
Cain: I don't know, so I will let other people decide while I still get the cool desk. I like to enhance stuff. Probably with Viagra.
Bachmann: I know some acronyms. Not facts so much, but some acronyms. I can haz competence.
Why is moderator claiming to have spidey sense?
Ron Paul: Waterboarding is torture. I have integrity, and will thus never be president. Also, because I'm a space lizard.
Bachmann: LEMME TALK. I WANNA TALK. CAN I TALK PLEASE?
Huntsman: Please stop ignoring me. I have a pink tie, which is not at all a questionable choice for this venue. I, like Ron Paul, will never be president as I retain my soul. Also, because I mixed up which party I belong to.
Mitten: I will say whatever the audience wants. Can we get them to hold up signs to tell me what they'd like me to say?
Pillsbury Doughsleaze: I seem to have difficulty recalling international laws. I'll go ahead and insist I know what I'm talking about while insinuating that Neil Patrick Leno is incorrect. Even if facts disagree with me.
- Kenneth the Paige's older brother is a moderator? Neato. Topic: China. Responses:
Perry the Platyputz: Ash heap. Cyberwar. Communism.
Mitten: Trade. Farms. They want our market. Counterfeit.
Mittens' follow up: We will tattle on China to the WTO.
Moderator has quoted Perry, and successfully made "ash heap" sound like "ass sheep."
Huntsman: You people are idiots. I'm making hand gestures. Blogs.
- Commercial break. Newt is leaning on his podium like a lobbyist leaning on...well, on Newt.
- Twitter question to Perry about Israel and foreign aid:
Perry: Lolz. I can use interwebs speakz 2. @GovernorPerry says Isrl=special but all aid starts @0.
- Apparently the debate is no longer going to be televised on this channel. Flipping channels to see if anyone is picking it up...nope. No one gives a rat's ass. Apparently I could stream it online but streaming and blogging simultaneously just won't happen. Oh, well. I think one of the Harry Potter movies is on, that's leaps and bounds more intelligent than this shit.
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