GOP Debate Live Reactions, 11/12

(Note: I'm coming into this late as I had better things to do than lose brain cells watching these clowns - namely, sweeping spiders and leaves off my porch.)

It has been suggested that I use bullet points to make things more visually clear. We'll give it a go.

Time stamp: 8:23pm. Man with Jay Leno's jaw sewn into his head talking to Perry the Platyputz, who is prattling on about...not really sure. Lots of words, not many actual points.

- Haha. Michele Bachmann on the Intelligence Committee is an oxymoron. No, not an oxymoron. Just a moron. And what's with her getup? Velour suits and crazy eyeliner were two weeks ago, for Halloween, Michele. Ah well, at least it's better than her Michael Jackson straightjacket.

- Oh, fuck you, Michele. Obama bats his eyes prettily at Israel, he just doesn't bend over for it like Bush did. It's still a ridiculous double standard we apply to them. And you asshats all just want Israel protected so the Jews can congregate there and set up the second coming and fireballs and shit. It's like an intervention - if we want peace, we have to stop enabling. No more AmeriCrack for Israel.

- Blah blah, Newt. I was eating a brownie, I didn't hear what you said and I still don't care.

- Santorum wants a friend. He'll take anyone who's willing. Pakistan? Sure! Mutant lizard from the Fukushima plant? Neato! He's not picky.

- Seriously, it's like this guy has Neil Patrick Harris' cute button features poorly Photoshopped onto Jay Leno's head.

- Michele's smile going into commercial break TERRIFIES me.

- WHY IS YOUR FACE SO CONFUSING, SIR? Oh, God, don't switch to Newt, that's worse.

- I'm just curious, are they going to have a debate on every single channel?

- Okay, so, Newt wants to be Mitt's runningmate. Clarified. Ugh, I'd have to call them MittNewton. No delicious fig filling there, just marshmallow fluff and Wonder bread.

- Herman, Herman, Herman. First, I'll try saying something nice: your suit looks well-tailored and I like your tie with it. Unfortunately, you are still a misogynistic gropasaurus rex.

- Um...Santorum, are you saying you only plan to hire people who have the exact same views as you do? Oh, yup, you are, thanks for clarifying. Coward. Even I have some close Republican friends, and I'm so liberal I reek of rainbows and flax granola.

- Heyyyyy...Perry gets a point for self-depricating humor. He must have good spin doctors. Not a great stylist, as I do believe that is a woman's suit jacket, and I believe I have it in my closet. I got it at Express.

- I'm pretty sure the guy on the stage with "hands on" experience is Herman Cain.

- Rick Perry, summarized: I will hire people who know stuff, since I don't.

- Email questioner who said torture is always wrong: GOOD ON YOU, SIR. Responses as follows:

Cain: I don't know, so I will let other people decide while I still get the cool desk. I like to enhance stuff. Probably with Viagra.

Bachmann: I know some acronyms. Not facts so much, but some acronyms. I can haz competence.

Why is moderator claiming to have spidey sense?

Ron Paul: Waterboarding is torture. I have integrity, and will thus never be president. Also, because I'm a space lizard.

Bachmann: LEMME TALK. I WANNA TALK. CAN I TALK PLEASE?

Huntsman: Please stop ignoring me. I have a pink tie, which is not at all a questionable choice for this venue. I, like Ron Paul, will never be president as I retain my soul. Also, because I mixed up which party I belong to.

Mitten: I will say whatever the audience wants. Can we get them to hold up signs to tell me what they'd like me to say?

Pillsbury Doughsleaze: I seem to have difficulty recalling international laws. I'll go ahead and insist I know what I'm talking about while insinuating that Neil Patrick Leno is incorrect. Even if facts disagree with me.

- Kenneth the Paige's older brother is a moderator? Neato. Topic: China. Responses:

Perry the Platyputz: Ash heap. Cyberwar. Communism.

Mitten: Trade. Farms. They want our market. Counterfeit.

Mittens' follow up: We will tattle on China to the WTO.

Moderator has quoted Perry, and successfully made "ash heap" sound like "ass sheep."

Huntsman: You people are idiots. I'm making hand gestures. Blogs.

- Commercial break. Newt is leaning on his podium like a lobbyist leaning on...well, on Newt.

- Twitter question to Perry about Israel and foreign aid:

Perry: Lolz. I can use interwebs speakz 2. @GovernorPerry says Isrl=special but all aid starts @0.

- Apparently the debate is no longer going to be televised on this channel. Flipping channels to see if anyone is picking it up...nope. No one gives a rat's ass. Apparently I could stream it online but streaming and blogging simultaneously just won't happen. Oh, well. I think one of the Harry Potter movies is on, that's leaps and bounds more intelligent than this shit.

Historical Debate Reaction, 10/18

Let's liveblog this motherfucker.

YOU ARE SO FUCKING PRETTY, ANDERSON.

YAY, MICHELE BACHMANN! FIRST GAFFE OF THE NIGHT! Who had Michele in the first ninety seconds? I owe you, I had Rick Perry in the first two.

Yeah, y'are, Andy-poo. You are so pretty. Have I mentioned that?

Okay, Santy, that was nice. I almost forgive you for looking like you live up your own Santurum.

You are a champion of something, Ron. Not sure - peace and prosperity, really? Really? Cutting foreign aid is going to promote peace?

You top pizzas for a livin', Herm.

"I'm Mitt Romney. I am secretly a sock puppet."

Authentic in that you are fucking stupid, perhaps, Rick Pee.

Newt, you, unlike President Obama, are Poppin Fresh.

Um. Classy, Michele. I hope you stay in a well in Vegas.

That guy HAS to be planted by SNL.

You went to bumfuck college, Michele. You're a lawyer like George W. Bush is a member of MENSA. And why are you wearing Michael Jackson's jacket?

Fiscal associates = Sims City.

You look like you just sniffed your own shoe, Santorum.

You make George W Bush look Yankee, Rick.

Invisible taxes?

Who's spea - oh. Gleep-Glorp. Sweet! No taxes? Well I always wanted to die from my burns when my car crashes on the highway that isn't maintained and thus I crashed into a giant pothole and as the fire department can't stay afloat they couldn't rescue me, and the public hospital had no emergency room to take care of me once Congressperson Bindlestiff wandered by and tried to rescue me since he had nothing better to do as THE CAPITOL FELL DOWN.

"No, that's an apple!" Oh my god, enough with fruit.

I just tuned out, Mitten.

Anderson, you know I adore you, right? But um...are you wearing lip gloss?

Does Newt have pointy little gremlin teeth, or is that just me? Dear god, he really would be the ugliest president in a long time. "I favor...cheating on my cancer-stricken wife!"

Holy false eyelashes, Michele! What were you saying? I can't hear you through that manufactured folksy inflection.

"Thank you." I know you don't mean that, Anderson. It's okay.

Rick Perry knows the word "abject"?

*giggles* Newt. It's a funny name.

If Herman Cain had a running mate, it would be cinnastix.

Santorum's tie appears to be glowing. Is that just me, or did he go and steal ET's - I mean Ron Paul - heart? Stop attacking Romneycare, we loves us our Rombomneycare.

This is like small children - haha. And their teacher. HAHAHA. RICK GOT BOOED.

Yeah, we do like our health care. Now leave us alone, FeeFee.

The Boston Herald is a piece of shit. And our bureaucrats are notoriously batshit.

Hah, they're squabbling like children again. ANDERSON! ANDERSON! I WANNA SPEAK! MY TURN! ME ME ME! Shut up, Michele.

Blargh blah bleep no government no taxes no country blargh blah Ron Paul.

Andy's tie is niiiiice. *swoon*

AW NAW, ILLAYGULS? GIT EM! Um, you eat vegetables, right? They were picked by illegals.

NO TOUCHEY.

God, Romney, you are such a fucking tool.

I'm pretty sure they're going to fistfight soon. And I eagerly await that.

You just shot yourself in both feet, Michele. Building a fence along the entire border is a) impractical, b) functionally impossible, and c) incredibly expensive.

You're such an apple polisher, Mitten.

You're not helping your campaign, Ricky.

The message to the Latino community from the GOP is "Show us your papers!"

Shut up about Nein Nein Nein, already, Hermit.

Petulant little shit. And HAH, Andy owned you.

Uhhhhh...no. The issue is not anchor babies.

Pretty sure the building block of the country is brick, but sure.

Yucca yucca yucky.

What right does 49 states have to conjugate verbs correctly?

Good lord, Rick Perry has no manners - and Herman Cain is on that bus, too.

Hey, every day, I'm in the United States as well! We have so much in common, Michele! Um...except I'm not for 1950s gender roles.

Next time, pick a Twitter question that utilizes proper grammar. Also, fuck you, Herman. I may not be a fan of the way these idiots kind occupiers are going about getting their muddled message out, but you're a giant douche.

This religion thing is a farce. None of you asshats would vote for an atheist, a Jew, or a Muslim.

1. You mispronounced "heinous." 2. Those were ALL Bush's policies. 3. We were in Africa under many Republican presidents. 4. "Genocidal maniac?" Are you motherfucking kidding me? I cannot wait for you to be haunted by that clip. I also can't wait to go to sleep tonight, where I will have wonderful dreams about you being eaten alive by killer slugs.

Fuckit. I quit. I need to work, because I, unlike them, have a brain.

Historical Debate Reaction, 9/12

The following reactions do not reflect anything except scorn and disgust for the GOP Presidoucheful field.


"Hello, my name is Rick Santorum. Please don't google me."

Rick Perry is his own straw man.

Seriously, since when are three sock puppets, the Burger King, Barbie's friend Midge, the Pillsbury Doughboy, and a space lizard considered a presidential field? And why is that werewolf interviewing them?

I need beer, quickly. And probably food.

I think it's official: I'm going as Michele Bachmann for Halloween.

I think that lady was on my bus today.

The first thing they'd do as president? Probably spin around in the president's chair shouting "WHEEEEEEEE!" Except for Mitt Romney, he doesn't know how to be enthusiastic about things.

I need to make t-shirts: "I Survived Governor Romney. And the lead paint was delishhizzz..."

Let's use more inflammatory metaphors, shall we?

Mitt, you had about five seconds of personality with that poker thing. And then you kept fucking talking.

Ron Paul is not from Texas. He's from Neptune, much like his space lizard counterpart from the Democratic Party, Gleep-Glorp Kucinich (his real name).

None of you people are holding my attention. Not even to throw my shoes at the TV.

No, they're coming to Texas to put out the fire, slip into Mexico for prescription drugs, and buy hats.

How magnanimous of you, Newton.

I'm just saying, it sounded more like Cuntsman than Huntsman, Wolfie.

Darlin', Massachusetts isn't all smart people. There are some who voted for Romney.

Well aren't you witty, Santorum. Gold star for you. Let me just google you to see where to send - OH GOD, THAT'S WHAT SANTORUM IS?

Wolf, you are a whore. Stop giving the dumb shit they say credence.

Can you even spell "federal reserve"?

Same question to you, Cleti - I mean Rick.

Tyler, are you old enough to legally work?

Uh, Huntsman, are you trying to lose or trying to be nominated by the DNC?

I agree that GE needs to pay more taxes. Thanks, Newtly.

EEEEEE. The kitten's winter coat is coming in and it's SO CUTE.

Gardisil should not be mandated. But not because of any of the assinine reasons these twits are - oh, Christ, Michele, are you one of those people who think vaccines cause autism? Fucking moron. The problem with Gardisil is shady promotion by Merck and inadequate long-term studies. I'd say you're fear mongereing, Michele, but I really do think you believe Gardisil is going to make your head fall off.

Fucking fuck, get off the counter, Phoebe! Stop licking butter off that pot!

Gigglesnort. Texas actually sort of does have a way of making STDs communicable in schools - it's called abstinence-only.

The People's Tea Party sounds communist.

Hermie, that's not an answer.

I sure hope a fruit popsicle counts as a vegetable. Food pyramid fail.

That's twice you've mentioned the National Restaurant Association, Herm. I think you want people to confuse it with the NRA.

A healthcare savings account would be a fucking disaster, Mittenshit. The same amount for a healthy person as for, say, one of the 9/11 repsonders your party routinely fucks over? The same amount for a man as for a woman who gives birth four times? Solid plan, Mitt. Really. Solid as poop.

No, you ass, you didn't raise taxes, you just earned yourself the name "Fee-Fee" and slashed the education budget and teacher benefits. So now we're dumb, healthy, and have to pay five bucks to go through a toll.

It's not taking your own risk if you're from a bad school system that Mitt fucked over, had a baby because Rick Perry won't teach you safe sex, and can only get a job at Godfather Pizza that pays shit because you're busy raising your kid - it's called poverty.

I have to wonder how much her health insurance paid for that Botox. Bachmann - do you have a face under there?

Where you runnin' off to, Michele? To reread "Constitution for Idiots"? Or is it for more Botox?

Okay, so, it's a commercial, and I just give the fuck up. It's pissing me off too much, and I'm sure somewhere inside me, my cortisol levels are like, "YEAAAAAAH. ANGER. STRESS. LET'S GO WILD," and I'd love to not have hives again tonight. Or, at least, more hives (hi, yeah, I have chronic ideopathic hives that are most likely caused by stress and have no "cure" except not being stressed and taking fucktons of drugs. It's a fun time.) So I think I'm just going to shut this off before the itching begins and/or I throw something through the television. My Diet Crush and I are going to rock out to some Sims and a bit of writing, then maybe consider finishing my 9/11 blog entry, or possibly prep for the FSOT (foreign service officer test). I should probably check my work email, but that will give me hives, so no, thank you. Maybe a hot shower, instead.

Ack. Republicans.