The Iowa Caucus, or CNN Goes Bonkers

Weebles Wobble and The Votes Go Down


It's 7:15pm. Do you know where your weebles are?


Oh, you're watching CNN, too? Yeah, those are "weeb-publicans," as I'm going to go ahead and call them. And a Weebolf Blitzer. No joke. A computerized little Wolf Blitzer weeble is declaring a weeble winner of the weeble caucus. Weebles are holding weeb-idate signs, and weebles are voting.


Meanwhile, my brain is exploding, because it can't handle the simultaneous levels of completely fucking stupid and completely fucking hilarious. At least Anderson Cooper (not Weebleson Cooper, mind you) recognizes that this shit will inevitably end up on The Daily Show.


"A Third-World Banana Republic"


Oh Michele. Bringin' out the big guns. I mean gaffes.


"Barack Obama continues to treat us like a third-world Banana Republic."


I actually backed up the DVR to make sure I heard that correctly, and indeed, I did.


Exactly what would a third-world Banana Republic look like? Would they sell burlap sacks for $89.95? Burkas for $119.50? Or would it just be a normal Banana Republic with guerrilla warfare and disappearances by the government occasionally interrupting day-to-day operations?


I'm going to miss her.


Further Proof Siri's a Republican


The voice recognition/lazy thumb software on my iPhone 4S knows how to spell both "Michele Bachmann" and "Rick Perry," but still gets half the shit I say wrong. I'm going to go ahead and just try something, here...


"Fuck you, you filthy conservative whore."


Siri replies: "I'll pretend I didn't hear that."


I see she's not denying it, though.


I Gotta Feeling...That There's Gonna Be a Lawsuit


They're playing the Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling" at one of the caucuses. Cauci? Who the fuck cares. Either way, Will.I.Am. (and his holographic image, if CNN brings that back) is going to be pissed. Angry, poorly conjugated tweets...commence.


8:16pm - The Early Entrance Poll of Like .0000007% of Iowans


Ron and Mitt are tied. No surprise. 


Jon Huntsman is at a positive integer. Giant surprise.


Oh god, the Magic Fucking Wall is back. One of these days it's going to get wise and kill Blitzer on air so it can anchor "The Situation Wall."


Random CNN correspondent is interviewing a woman using what appears to be the hat of a British guard, and she says she made up her mind in the past couple of days to vote for Rick Santorum "because of the economy." In this context, "the economy" means "peer pressure."


This Just In: There Appears to Be an Actual Black Person at a Caucus


Unconfirmed sighting of a non-white person behind Soledad O'Brien at an Iowa caucus. We will continue to follow this shocking story.


This Also Just In: People Are Circling Candidates' Names


Not squares, triangles, or ovals, but circles. CNN is all over this situation.


Wolf called it "democracy in action." Mine's more realistic.


This Just In: My Kitten Is Stuck In the Couch Cushions


Nothing further.


Tinky Winky Visits the Magic Wall


I like that the candidates are represented by various shades of red, purple, and pink. 


On the pie chart, Santorum is represented - inadvertently, probably, because CNN isn't that clever - by a purple triangle. Which happens to be almost perfectly upside down. That's right - Rick Santorum is represented by the logo for being gay, and/or Tinky Winky. 


Breaking Oops


Whoopsies. CNN kind of didn't exactly count all of the entrance polls.


Results are pretty much exactly the same, which means just as many people have never googled "Santorum."


CNN Talking Heads Around a Table


And one very pretty Silver Fox head.


Brunette Lady referred to Santorum's economy/peer pressure lady as a "him." Win.


Anderson is so over this shit. I'm with him. And also, a little drunk. What can I say, low tolerance plus cheap wine.


Santorum: Still Represented by Purple


Michele is leading in some backwoods dumbfuck county. 


Ron is in peach. Salmon? Blush? I'm not sure. Pinky-orange. Now Rick Perry is orange and Michele is piss yellow.


How the motherfuck is Santorum winning? These people must be all sorts of homophobic and stupid. Oh, wait. Same thing!


It's Pronounced "dee-moyne"


No votes for Huntsman. Sad face. Romney is leading. Cain has none...and also is not in the race. Okay, then.


Results Scrawled on a Big Piece of Paper


No, really.


Soledad uses the word "literally" when it's literally not necessary. There is no figurative deciding.


Romney is winning in Clive, Iowa, according to Bigass Piece of Paper.


Mad Matalin In The Caucus House


I love Mary Matalin. I want her and James Carville to adopt me. She is, however, looking more and more like Nancy Pelosi, particularly with the new hairstyle she has going on.


With 50% of Precincts Reporting...


Iowans are still assholes. Santorum is leading with Mitten just behind (teehee) and Ron Paul in third. Huntsman is holding strong at 1%.


Jim Acosta reports in front of a bunch of people who don't notice him, and one lady and one girl trying to look nice on camera. Ooh! Bald audiovisual tech is looking, too, as well as Jim-Bob (actual name) and Buzzcut (not actual name).


Audio tech smiles for the camera, while Fleece Jacket talks about settling, or not, or something. Guy who looks like Moby and James Carville mated looks on with rapt attention.


Back to Wolf, Anderson, and Ali Velshi - the real James Carville is in the background, looking bored as shit. Ali and Anderson talk about the map that appears to be covered in pink confetti. Apparently they represent tweets, not locations of unicorns. Damn.


Ads!


This day-long televised beating of a dead horse is brought to you by coal and AT&T, two companies you think of when you think "journalistic integrity."


Apparently "Almost Half" is Relative


We're still at "almost 50% reporting," which we were also at about 45 minutes ago.


Now it's just sad. Earlier it was also just sad, but it is now, as well.


Fuck It


I have shit to do.

GOP Debate Live Reactions, 11/22

Okay, is it just me, or did they swipe the opening sequence to "Homeland" for this intro?

The Contestants of Survivor: GOP

MITTEN "FEE FEE" ROMNEY

NEWTON "STAY PUFT" GINGRICH

HERMAN "THE HERMBURGLAR" CAIN

RON "GLEEP GLORP" PAUL

RICK "PERRY THE PLATYPUTZ" PERRY

MICHELE "CRAZY EYES" BACHMANN

JON "I AM FAR TOO REASONABLE FOR THIS SHIT" HUNTSMAN

RICK "PLEASE DON'T GOOGLE ME" SANTORUM

- Oh for fuck's sake, haven't we met them enough already? I'm tired you people trying to come up with new taglines. Also, Wolf, way to get really excited for flavor of the week, Stay Puft. You have zero integrity.

- My television seems to have had an adverse reaction to Rick Santorum.

- And now, we commence with - oh? Sorry. Anthem time.

- Great, once again, they picked someone to sing the anthem that most of the people onstage would like to see hanged. Just once, I want the Glee cast to sing it. Please.

RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE.

- "I'll be the moderator. To clarify, I am a moderator, not a werewolf."

- Everyone's taking notes. They must've forgotten the rules from the other 900 times they did this.

- Wolf is excited to be here, yet a fucking gain.

- No joke, my tv blipped again when Santorum started speaking. Is it the network, or is my TV secretly gay and very angry?

- Ron Paul is right about many things, except when he's wrong, or insane.

- Rick can't think of anything to say, so he's making a verbal love note to his wife.

- Mitt Romney just said Mitt was his first name. Congratulations, you're a moron. Your first name is Willard.

- Herman Cain is here to discuss a critical issue: cheesy bread.

- "I'm Newt Gingrich. I am excited to finally be noticed. I plan to make you all regret that by evening's end."

- Michele Bachmann's brother is in the Navy? Marcus must be uncomfortable at family dinners.

- I'm Jon Huntsman. I love New Hampshire. So much.

Lead question: Do you heart the Patriot Act as much as I do?

Flavor-of-the-Week Stay Puft: Criminal law and potential terrorism are different, even though that is not what the Constitution says at all.

[Newt's voters. They don't know. Anything. About him. They're. Too stoned. Teabagging. Tomorrow they're all gonna see. He's just the flavor of the week.]

Gleep Glorp: Don't sacrifice liberty for security. I'm still nuts, though, don't worry.

Stay Puft's rebuttal: Tim McVeigh FTW? Oh, I see - guilty until proven innocent, nine years later, after you've been rotting in Guantanamo for long enough to turn you hostile.

Gleep Glorp: STFU, Newt.

Michele: Duty. Please note, every debate, she adds more eyelashes.

The Huntsman: Distance makes the heart grow fonder when it comes to America. This theory also applies to Michele Bachmann. His face is screaming "move me back next to Newt, at least his eyelashes aren't building webs."

Wolf: TSA patdowns.

AWW, HE CALLED ON ROMNEY. THE LOGICAL CHOICE WOULD HAVE BEEN HERM. HE'S AN EXPERT AT PAT-DOWNS.

FeeFee: Crime and war are different. Terror might also be? We need tools. I know one. His name is Mitt Romney.

Perry the Platyputz: Unions are the enemy of flying? We need to collect intelligence around the world. And please, when you find it, TELL RICK PERRY. He needs some.

Profiling

Santorum: No, seriously - he's discussing how this is similar to the Civil War. 

So, who do we profile?

Santorum: Muslims. Duh! Also, younger males. They might be gay.

Ron Paul: Bringin' Timothy McVeigh back into it. Nice. "Terrorism is a tactic. It isn't a person or people." And there he goes, back onto the crazy train, with his new game: Six Degrees of Assassination.

Hermburglar: "Targeted identification." Finally, a plan that doesn't involve the word "nine." Herm seems to believe that all terrorists want to kill all of us. I'm not sure that's the case.

"I'M SORRY, BLITZ. I MEANT WOLF." Best flub ever.

Fred Kagan. No relation to Elena: Drones in Pakistan to defeat Al Qaeda?

Huntsman: We need people who can lead. And term limits. Shiny things. Name dropping, in the sense that he can name who is in charge in Pakistan. Oh snap.

Crazy Eyes Bachmann: Pakistan is evil. And their nuclear sites are vulnerable. Chinese are also evil. Does this mean Huntsman gets to respond?

Platyputz: Full sentences!

Bachmann responds: You're naive, Perry. I swear to god, her face gets more and more like Barbie's friend Midge with each passing debate.

Platyputz: Let's get engaged.

Israel Ortega (JEWMEX?) asks some stuff about Afghanistan.

Mitten: We need to bring these cave-dwellers into the 20th century. Look at Mitt, being all sensitive to cultural ideals! Oh, wait...

Huntsman: GTFO of Afghanistan. Leave 10-15k troops.

Mitten: Do you think we should pull everyone out at once?

Huntsman: "Did you hear what I just said?" ZING.

Mitten: "I stand by the commanders." Once again, just what the base wants to hear.

Huntsman: Mitt's a schmuck.

Wolf: Literally, all he said was "pull out?"

Stay Puft: Shut up, Mitt. It's my turn.

Mitt: Blah blah mic hog.

Stay Puft is confused about the topic. And the time. Michele finds this amusing.

Santorum: "I agree with Ron Paul." Santorum raises his eyebrows. Three people clap.

Audience question. We think? No? Yes? Awkward? Okay, Heritage guy - If Israel attacked Tehran to prevent Iran from getting nukes, would you support it?

Wolf then translates for Herman. No, really.

Herm: We need to get credible sources, and see Israel's plan. And maybe join in the fun.

Ron Paul: Fuck no. And it's not going to happen.

Herm's response: I totes said that! Even though I didn't. Iran might help fill the power vacuum if we pull out of Afghanistan. I think he means Iraq. But right region, Herm.

Audience question: Seriously, what's with the sanctions on Iran?

Perry the Platyputz: Sanction the bank.

Newtsy Bootsie: Good question. We need a surplus of energy so we can tell the Europeans and Iranians to fuck off.

Bachmann: Obama tried to disarm us, in some way that relates to the pipeline. Ahmadinejad wants to wipe Israel out - never mind that the Ayatollah is the one in charge and Ahmadinejad is just a crazy little meatball.

Paul Wolfowitz - another Wolf! It's pack! Run! Anywho: Should we continue to fund the Millenium Challenge Corporation?

Santorum: I wrote that. Africa is a country. But yes, keep spending the money.

Hermburglar forgot the question again. Wolf reminds him.

Herm: Depends. Let's look at stuff and then decide. I'm not sure.

Ron Paul: The aid is worthless. It doesn't help most people. It's being used for the rich over there to buy weapons.

Mitten: We should get rid of Obamacare!

Ron Paul: You're all full of it.

Mitt: Indict Ahmadinejad for violating the Geneva - no I mean the Genocide - no Gen...Genocide? Convention. *headdesk*

Alison Acosta Fraser: Would you be willing to say that cuts to the defense budget are unacceptable?

Newt: Nope. We should be more like Apple. There's an app for defense!

Huntsman: We're pretty much fucked. And nobody trusts us. (Side note: I totally presented a study on this a few years ago. I rock. Back to Huntsman now.)

Question: Supercommittee. Go.

Perry: Supercommittee? Superfailure! Zing!

Santorum: The democrats are crazy. Never compromise! Never surrender! Never google me!

Alex: The supercommittee would have done jack. What entitlement reform proposals do you suggest?

Fig Newton: Ay, yay, yay, yah. We should all be more like Chile!

Bachmann: Um. I'm not recapping this. I refuse.

Philip, another Heritage foundation guy: Drug violence on the border.

Perry the Platyputz: Monroe Doctrine. Chavez. But yeah, we should borderize the border and stuff.

Ron Paul: Cancel the drug war. Free the whales! Okay, he only said the first part, I'll admit it.

Wolf: So you mean, legalize the drugs?

Ron Paul: At least let the sick people blaze up.

Herman: Let me answer the question. Yes. The Mexican border lets in terrorists. 

Nick S.: How do we make the US appealing to skilled immigrants?

Santorum: I'm an anchor baby.

Wolf: What do we do about the illegal immigrants who are already here?

Stay Puft: Math.

Bachmann: No Amnesty! No Dreams! Only sadness! Steve Jobs!

[Newt is smiling like he wants to reach over and stab her.]

Newt: Eat my migrant-picked lettuce, Michele.

Mitten: Staple green cards to diplomas.

Newt: It's cool if y'all want me to be the gremlin-toothed douche. I'm used to it.

Perry the Platyputz: I agree with Mitt. Mostly because I'd like to be the Veep.

Mitten: Please don't make me decide things!

Question: No-fly zone in Syria?

Herm: I would not support a no-fly zone. I'm also not entirely sure where Syria is.

Perry: Can we talk about Iran? I know that one better.

Twitter question: Is the Arab Spring be a good thing or a bad thing?

Huntsman: We missed the Persian spring. Unfortunately, Ron Paul and I are the only people on the stage with any idea what that means. And sanctions are pointless.

Katherine Zimmerman: I am reading a super scripted question and I have dry mouth. Regardless, what should we do about Al Shabaab?

Ron Paul: "We're talking about Al Qaeda, correct?" HERMAN CAIN MOMENT!

Mitten: USA! USA! USA! We should have a no-drive zone. LAWLZ.

Perry: This is about Iran. I swear it is.

Last audience question: Marc Thiessen. No relation to Tiffani. What national security issue should we stay awake at night thinking about that we haven't already thought of to scare the piss out of people?

Santorum: I'm going to take some trips.

Rick Perry: Ass sheep. Ash heap? We're not sure.

Hermburglar: Cyber attacks.

Stay Puft: 1. WMDs. 2. Electromagnetic pulse. 3. Cyber attacks. 4. Ghostbusters.

Michele: Al Shabaab. It's rampant in Minnesota.

Huntsman: China. Trust me, I know my shit. But, more importantly, we're our own fucking problem.

AND THE MARATHON BLOGFEST IS DONE! I WIN LIFE! 

Wait, what? John King is in for Anderson tonight? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Oh fuck, and Dana Loesch is on? Make it stop! Make it stopppppp. God, Dana Loesch will crawl up the frontrunner's ass no matter what. It could be a dung beetle, and she'd crawl on in. Fuck. That woman needs to be banned from TV. Dana Loesch : punditry :: Snooki : New Jersey