The Iowa Caucus Part 2, Or The Snail Has Spoken

The Hour of Colbert


First of all, bless Stephen T. Colbert, DFA for reminding the public of the true meaning of Santorum. Too many people have forgotten why He Must Not Be Googled, But In a Way Where You Should Because It's Taboo and Also Hilarious.


Megyn Shelley, the official Colbert Report soothsaying invertebrate (not the official soothsaying animal in general, as that title goes to Christiane Aman-Purr) went ahead and did not move in the slightest when asked to predict the winner of the caucuses by choosing one of the cucumbers carved in the likeness of a candidate, which tells us something very important: even snails don't want one of these fuckers to be president. Snails. These are creatures who, in a manner of speaking, do actually live up their own asses, if we loosely consider things attached to one's backside an ass. This says a lot.


Meanwhile, Back On CNN...


Blitzer. King. Magic Wall. Still not a single fucking important point.


The Rectal Temperature of the Nation


The Twitterz have also spoken: none of the candidates are trending. Marcus Bachmann, however, is trending. A brief sampling of tweets show that the prevailing feeling is that he is an unattractive closeted homosexual who twitter users would like to go shopping with for tiny dog sunglasses.


People Are Clapping for Perry


Ostensibly because he put his pants on correctly all by himself. Still having some trouble reading, it seems.


CNN is predicting that he will finish 5th out of...how many are there now? Seven? Let's go with seven. He currently has 10% of votes, according to See En En.


Sadly for those of us who find him a constant source of entertainment that fills the George-W-Bush-shaped hole in our lives, it sounds as though he's retreating to Texas to call it a day and go back to playing with his Speak-and-Spell.


Other Predictions Based On a Minuscule Sampling of a Largely Homogeneous Population


With 96% 97% 96% 98% of precincts reporting, CNN predicts the following:


Jon "I Am Far Too Reasonable for This Shit" Huntsman: 7th place, with 1% of votes
Prize: I Heart New Hampshire T-Shirt


Michele "Crazy Eyes" Bachmann: 6th place, with  5% of votes
Prize: Used canola oil, confusion of American public


Rick "Perry the Platyputz" Perry: 5th place, with 10% of votes
Prize: Package of store-brand microwave popcorn, plane ticket to Texas, title of "worst presidential candidate in history" courtesy of James Carville

Newton "Stay Puft" Gingritch: 4th place, with 13% of votes

Prize: Bag of kettle corn, flack for super bitchy comments towards Romney and Paul

Ron "Gleep-Glorp" Paul: 3rd place, with 21 of votes

Prize: Bronze medal in the shape of a corn cob, one million space dollars

And finally, with 25% apiece, separated by 37 34 44 41 5 votes...

Willard Mitten "Fee Fee" Romney

and

Rick "Please Don't Google Me" Santorum

Prize: About 72 straight hours of pointless media coverage 

Speeeeeeeeach! No, I'm Joking, Please Shut Up

Santorum: "My grandfather had big hands. Jesus loves me. Republicans can't just cut taxes. Incidentally, I will cut taxes. Wal-Mart isn't moving to China. Romneycare. Pennsylvania. Steel. Pizza. I'm fat. Chuck truck. Gems."

I really hate that he's talking about his special needs daughter because it makes me feel things inside resembling warmth.

Luckily he then goes off on a religious/anti-choice/conservative tangent, and I feel nice and cold again.

Sidebar: "Is Santorum" is trending. Yeah.

Romney: "Congratulations to Santorum. And to me. And to Ron Paul. PLEASE JUST LIKE ME. America. I have sons. You people are also my family. LIKE ME, ALREADY. Passion. Obama's nice. Iran will have nukes soon. Obama Obama Obama. Today Show. Let's make America attractive. Unalienable. Shiny things."

I'll admit it - one of Romney's sons is kind of attractive. He looks sort of like Mark Ruffalo. Now if only his father would stop with the spoken-word version of "America the Beautiful," Mark Ruffalomney and I could get down to business.

More Map

Lots of Santorum purple, some Romney red. One Romney red splotch appears to be the exact shape of a kidney in the middle of the Santorum puddle.

Santorum's up by 27 votes, now, with 99% reporting. Someone forgot to tell Piers Morgan. 

James Carville and Roland Martin clearly want to go the fuck to bed, and Ari Fleischer has checked out. It's way past David Gergen's bedtime. Can't CNN just put the weebles back on and let the pundit parade go home?

Meanwhile, we so rarely get full-body shots of Anderson Cooper, and DAMN that suit wears him well.

Now Tinky Winky Rick Santorum is 37 votes up. Please count faster. I want to go to bed.

After the commercial break, we're down to 19 votes up and down to 98% reporting.

Oh god, Santorum is on CNN. This is torture. Just call it a tie. Or a mutual show of non-confidence. Whatever, just let the back table leave, at least, before Carville and Roland get cranky and stab Ari Fleischer. Which I would not blame them for in the least.

McCain is apparently planning to endorse Romney. This is so exciting I could just die. Really.

18 votes. Over to Candy Crowley, Mary Matalin, and Donna Brazile at what appears to be a yellowish level of hell, most likely somewhere in Iowa.

Back at the Magic Wall, there's flicking and swiping going on, and a rousing game of Match the Candidate with the Issue. Shocker, people whose biggest concern for America is abortion vote Santorum

And they broke the wall. Nice. Oh, rats, it's back up.

"Have we all just given up?" Yes, Anderson. We have. And he doesn't understand the Twitter map either, and Roland Martin is apparently laughing. "We know a lot of people tweet in America."

Ali Velshi has now yelled at everyone to put their cell phones away and stop talking, and Anderson isn't allowed to touch the unicorn tracker twitter map. Or "twap," if we're being cool. Laughter is still audible in the background. 

And we are now at one vote separating Romney and Santorum. Whoever that one vote belongs to is on my shit list. 

More laughter. James Carville dropped his mic, Roland Martin is shouting off-camera, Ari Fleischer is laughing, and Dana Loesch looks pissed. 

Ari is comparing Gingrich to a porcupine. This may be the first time I've ever agreed with him. Now Dana Loesch is giggling. These people need to go home. 

Santorum up by four votes, 99% reporting, Wolf Blitzer giggling.

It's Now 2am, and I've Been Watching CNN and Blogging for Seven Hours

It's time for - oh fuck me, now Wolf Blitzer says they've "got news."

Apparently the news is still the four vote thing, which is not actually news. And one precinct is still dicking around. Wolf actually made a hanging chad joke, which was funny. In 2001.

They're all just laughing - Ari Fleischer, James Carville, Roland Martin, John King, Dana Loesch, Wolf Blitzer, Piers Morgan, two women I don't know, David Gergen, and Anderson Cooper: CNN's overtired political news team, most of whom seem to be completely over this.

According to the two ladies CNN has on the phone who sound overtired and somewhat irritated, all precincts have reported. It seems - from what the overtired anchors, pundits, and Iowan ladies have cobbled together - that all precincts have reported to the Republican central whatsit in Iowa and that somehow the central whatsit fucked up and haven't added one precinct. Based on the numbers given to Wolf Blitzer and John King by the Iowan ladies - who it seems important to note are basically just local Republican chairs of podunk chapters but seem to have more information than the central Iowa RNC - Mitt Romney has won by a handful of votes.

According to Candy Crowley at the Romney camp, the Romney camp also thinks they've won by 14 votes.

Because it's past 2am, I'm tired, and this is utterly fucking ridiculous, I'm abandoning the scientific method and will say that one collaborates the other, and Mitt Romney wins by a slim margin.

Whoop-de-fucking-do.

I'm going to bed.


Oh For Fuck's Sake


Carolyn and Edith, the Iowan ladies, are trending. John King would rather be at last call (or in bed). Anderson thinks the call with the Iowans was the best phone call ever, and apparently, has also lost his Blackberry (I can comfort him if he'd like). 


The Iowa GOP is supposedly going to make an announcement any moment, so sometime between now and dawn on Friday.


Roland Martin's eyes are blood red. I suspect he and Carville have been blazing up on commercial breaks.


There is a shaky camera focused on the Iowa podium and oh my oh my they're announcing something. Probably. CNN kind of doesn't have audio. Piers is trying to guess. 


CNN has officially declared tonight a "snafu." I was going to go with "clusterfuck."


Iowa GOP officially declares Romney the weiner, ahem, winner.


By eight votes. Not fourteen. Sorry, Edith and Carolyn. 


James Carville has the final word: if CNN doesn't get an award for this, he's going to be pissed. 


I don't get paid for this, guys. So really...I should get the award. Thanks.

The Iowa Caucus, or CNN Goes Bonkers

Weebles Wobble and The Votes Go Down


It's 7:15pm. Do you know where your weebles are?


Oh, you're watching CNN, too? Yeah, those are "weeb-publicans," as I'm going to go ahead and call them. And a Weebolf Blitzer. No joke. A computerized little Wolf Blitzer weeble is declaring a weeble winner of the weeble caucus. Weebles are holding weeb-idate signs, and weebles are voting.


Meanwhile, my brain is exploding, because it can't handle the simultaneous levels of completely fucking stupid and completely fucking hilarious. At least Anderson Cooper (not Weebleson Cooper, mind you) recognizes that this shit will inevitably end up on The Daily Show.


"A Third-World Banana Republic"


Oh Michele. Bringin' out the big guns. I mean gaffes.


"Barack Obama continues to treat us like a third-world Banana Republic."


I actually backed up the DVR to make sure I heard that correctly, and indeed, I did.


Exactly what would a third-world Banana Republic look like? Would they sell burlap sacks for $89.95? Burkas for $119.50? Or would it just be a normal Banana Republic with guerrilla warfare and disappearances by the government occasionally interrupting day-to-day operations?


I'm going to miss her.


Further Proof Siri's a Republican


The voice recognition/lazy thumb software on my iPhone 4S knows how to spell both "Michele Bachmann" and "Rick Perry," but still gets half the shit I say wrong. I'm going to go ahead and just try something, here...


"Fuck you, you filthy conservative whore."


Siri replies: "I'll pretend I didn't hear that."


I see she's not denying it, though.


I Gotta Feeling...That There's Gonna Be a Lawsuit


They're playing the Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling" at one of the caucuses. Cauci? Who the fuck cares. Either way, Will.I.Am. (and his holographic image, if CNN brings that back) is going to be pissed. Angry, poorly conjugated tweets...commence.


8:16pm - The Early Entrance Poll of Like .0000007% of Iowans


Ron and Mitt are tied. No surprise. 


Jon Huntsman is at a positive integer. Giant surprise.


Oh god, the Magic Fucking Wall is back. One of these days it's going to get wise and kill Blitzer on air so it can anchor "The Situation Wall."


Random CNN correspondent is interviewing a woman using what appears to be the hat of a British guard, and she says she made up her mind in the past couple of days to vote for Rick Santorum "because of the economy." In this context, "the economy" means "peer pressure."


This Just In: There Appears to Be an Actual Black Person at a Caucus


Unconfirmed sighting of a non-white person behind Soledad O'Brien at an Iowa caucus. We will continue to follow this shocking story.


This Also Just In: People Are Circling Candidates' Names


Not squares, triangles, or ovals, but circles. CNN is all over this situation.


Wolf called it "democracy in action." Mine's more realistic.


This Just In: My Kitten Is Stuck In the Couch Cushions


Nothing further.


Tinky Winky Visits the Magic Wall


I like that the candidates are represented by various shades of red, purple, and pink. 


On the pie chart, Santorum is represented - inadvertently, probably, because CNN isn't that clever - by a purple triangle. Which happens to be almost perfectly upside down. That's right - Rick Santorum is represented by the logo for being gay, and/or Tinky Winky. 


Breaking Oops


Whoopsies. CNN kind of didn't exactly count all of the entrance polls.


Results are pretty much exactly the same, which means just as many people have never googled "Santorum."


CNN Talking Heads Around a Table


And one very pretty Silver Fox head.


Brunette Lady referred to Santorum's economy/peer pressure lady as a "him." Win.


Anderson is so over this shit. I'm with him. And also, a little drunk. What can I say, low tolerance plus cheap wine.


Santorum: Still Represented by Purple


Michele is leading in some backwoods dumbfuck county. 


Ron is in peach. Salmon? Blush? I'm not sure. Pinky-orange. Now Rick Perry is orange and Michele is piss yellow.


How the motherfuck is Santorum winning? These people must be all sorts of homophobic and stupid. Oh, wait. Same thing!


It's Pronounced "dee-moyne"


No votes for Huntsman. Sad face. Romney is leading. Cain has none...and also is not in the race. Okay, then.


Results Scrawled on a Big Piece of Paper


No, really.


Soledad uses the word "literally" when it's literally not necessary. There is no figurative deciding.


Romney is winning in Clive, Iowa, according to Bigass Piece of Paper.


Mad Matalin In The Caucus House


I love Mary Matalin. I want her and James Carville to adopt me. She is, however, looking more and more like Nancy Pelosi, particularly with the new hairstyle she has going on.


With 50% of Precincts Reporting...


Iowans are still assholes. Santorum is leading with Mitten just behind (teehee) and Ron Paul in third. Huntsman is holding strong at 1%.


Jim Acosta reports in front of a bunch of people who don't notice him, and one lady and one girl trying to look nice on camera. Ooh! Bald audiovisual tech is looking, too, as well as Jim-Bob (actual name) and Buzzcut (not actual name).


Audio tech smiles for the camera, while Fleece Jacket talks about settling, or not, or something. Guy who looks like Moby and James Carville mated looks on with rapt attention.


Back to Wolf, Anderson, and Ali Velshi - the real James Carville is in the background, looking bored as shit. Ali and Anderson talk about the map that appears to be covered in pink confetti. Apparently they represent tweets, not locations of unicorns. Damn.


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This day-long televised beating of a dead horse is brought to you by coal and AT&T, two companies you think of when you think "journalistic integrity."


Apparently "Almost Half" is Relative


We're still at "almost 50% reporting," which we were also at about 45 minutes ago.


Now it's just sad. Earlier it was also just sad, but it is now, as well.


Fuck It


I have shit to do.