Weebles Wobble and The Votes Go Down
It's 7:15pm. Do you know where your weebles are?
Oh, you're watching CNN, too? Yeah, those are "weeb-publicans," as I'm going to go ahead and call them. And a Weebolf Blitzer. No joke. A computerized little Wolf Blitzer weeble is declaring a weeble winner of the weeble caucus. Weebles are holding weeb-idate signs, and weebles are voting.
Meanwhile, my brain is exploding, because it can't handle the simultaneous levels of completely fucking stupid and completely fucking hilarious. At least Anderson Cooper (not Weebleson Cooper, mind you) recognizes that this shit will inevitably end up on The Daily Show.
"A Third-World Banana Republic"
Oh Michele. Bringin' out the big guns. I mean gaffes.
"Barack Obama continues to treat us like a third-world Banana Republic."
I actually backed up the DVR to make sure I heard that correctly, and indeed, I did.
Exactly what would a third-world Banana Republic look like? Would they sell burlap sacks for $89.95? Burkas for $119.50? Or would it just be a normal Banana Republic with guerrilla warfare and disappearances by the government occasionally interrupting day-to-day operations?
I'm going to miss her.
Further Proof Siri's a Republican
The voice recognition/lazy thumb software on my iPhone 4S knows how to spell both "Michele Bachmann" and "Rick Perry," but still gets half the shit I say wrong. I'm going to go ahead and just try something, here...
"Fuck you, you filthy conservative whore."
Siri replies: "I'll pretend I didn't hear that."
I see she's not denying it, though.
I Gotta Feeling...That There's Gonna Be a Lawsuit
They're playing the Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling" at one of the caucuses. Cauci? Who the fuck cares. Either way, Will.I.Am. (and his holographic image, if CNN brings that back) is going to be pissed. Angry, poorly conjugated tweets...commence.
8:16pm - The Early Entrance Poll of Like .0000007% of Iowans
Ron and Mitt are tied. No surprise.
Jon Huntsman is at a positive integer. Giant surprise.
Oh god, the Magic Fucking Wall is back. One of these days it's going to get wise and kill Blitzer on air so it can anchor "The Situation Wall."
Random CNN correspondent is interviewing a woman using what appears to be the hat of a British guard, and she says she made up her mind in the past couple of days to vote for Rick Santorum "because of the economy." In this context, "the economy" means "peer pressure."
This Just In: There Appears to Be an Actual Black Person at a Caucus
Unconfirmed sighting of a non-white person behind Soledad O'Brien at an Iowa caucus. We will continue to follow this shocking story.
This Also Just In: People Are Circling Candidates' Names
Not squares, triangles, or ovals, but circles. CNN is all over this situation.
Wolf called it "democracy in action." Mine's more realistic.
This Just In: My Kitten Is Stuck In the Couch Cushions
Nothing further.
Tinky Winky Visits the Magic Wall
I like that the candidates are represented by various shades of red, purple, and pink.
On the pie chart, Santorum is represented - inadvertently, probably, because CNN isn't that clever - by a purple triangle. Which happens to be almost perfectly upside down. That's right - Rick Santorum is represented by the logo for being gay, and/or Tinky Winky.
Breaking Oops
Whoopsies. CNN kind of didn't exactly count all of the entrance polls.
Results are pretty much exactly the same, which means just as many people have never googled "Santorum."
CNN Talking Heads Around a Table
And one very pretty Silver Fox head.
Brunette Lady referred to Santorum's economy/peer pressure lady as a "him." Win.
Anderson is so over this shit. I'm with him. And also, a little drunk. What can I say, low tolerance plus cheap wine.
Santorum: Still Represented by Purple
Michele is leading in some backwoods dumbfuck county.
Ron is in peach. Salmon? Blush? I'm not sure. Pinky-orange. Now Rick Perry is orange and Michele is piss yellow.
How the motherfuck is Santorum winning? These people must be all sorts of homophobic and stupid. Oh, wait. Same thing!
It's Pronounced "dee-moyne"
No votes for Huntsman. Sad face. Romney is leading. Cain has none...and also is not in the race. Okay, then.
Results Scrawled on a Big Piece of Paper
No, really.
Soledad uses the word "literally" when it's literally not necessary. There is no figurative deciding.
Romney is winning in Clive, Iowa, according to Bigass Piece of Paper.
Mad Matalin In The Caucus House
I love Mary Matalin. I want her and James Carville to adopt me. She is, however, looking more and more like Nancy Pelosi, particularly with the new hairstyle she has going on.
With 50% of Precincts Reporting...
Iowans are still assholes. Santorum is leading with Mitten just behind (teehee) and Ron Paul in third. Huntsman is holding strong at 1%.
Jim Acosta reports in front of a bunch of people who don't notice him, and one lady and one girl trying to look nice on camera. Ooh! Bald audiovisual tech is looking, too, as well as Jim-Bob (actual name) and Buzzcut (not actual name).
Audio tech smiles for the camera, while Fleece Jacket talks about settling, or not, or something. Guy who looks like Moby and James Carville mated looks on with rapt attention.
Back to Wolf, Anderson, and Ali Velshi - the real James Carville is in the background, looking bored as shit. Ali and Anderson talk about the map that appears to be covered in pink confetti. Apparently they represent tweets, not locations of unicorns. Damn.
Ads!
This day-long televised beating of a dead horse is brought to you by coal and AT&T, two companies you think of when you think "journalistic integrity."
Apparently "Almost Half" is Relative
We're still at "almost 50% reporting," which we were also at about 45 minutes ago.
Now it's just sad. Earlier it was also just sad, but it is now, as well.
Fuck It
I have shit to do.
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