Ah, the March of the Secretaries, in their annual migration down the mall. Here at the Capitol, they will choose a seatmate and settle in for the next two hours to nest and incubate a policy objective.
Mister Speaker, the POTUS with the MOSTUS! Hey, E-Holmes-Nort! Kickass seat!
WOW that lady has crazy hair. Green and red? I know crazy hair colors, and wow.
Rancorous. Eleventeen-point SAT word.
Hey, it's Chuck Schumer, whispering and being in front of a camera, as he is wont to do.
Okay, that's Mrs. Landingham. Why is Mrs. Landingham there? I'm confused.
Whoa, Boehner doesn't have his flag pin on! Communist! Get him! Go on, Ted Cruz, get him!
Biden, what are you reading? Put away your mail. You can look at your Highlights magazine later. Seriously, do you think we can't see you? You're RIGHT THERE.
I've never noticed, but Obama has very feminine hands. I wonder if he gets manicures. Is that one of those things that's okay for black men but considered not okay for white men?
"As usual, EVERYBODY GET UP AND CHEER FOR MY WIFE. I FORGOT TO GET HER A 50th BIRTHDAY PRESENT SO THIS IS GOING TO HAVE TO LOOK LIKE SOMETHING I PLANNED. EVERYBODY MOVE. I MEAN IT. GET UP AND CHEER OR I'M SLEEPING ON THE FIRST SOFA TONIGHT."
Hmm. I don't know how I feel about the tie coordination tonight. I kind of like the neutral, cool tones and the polka-dot blue, baby blue, and mint green contrast with the red of the flag and the orange of -
"SHIT I FORGOT TO GET BOEHNER A BIRTHDAY PRESENT, TOO. C'MON, WE'RE GOING AGAIN, GUYS."
Insourcing? I like it. Nice word. I can think of three sexual connotations off the top of my head.
Biden, seriously, put away the mail. The connect-the-dots will wait 'til tonight.
Unclogging our commutes. Veiled Chris Christie jibe? Hmm.
"I'll act on my own." Hear that? Fuck you, Congress.
That woman's suit just burned my retinas a little.
Okay, now Biden's holding a shiv. I can see the blade.
New trade partnerships with Europe and Asia-Pacific? I'm all for it, as long as one of the things we're trading involves giving away Justin Beiber.
He'll use his authority to protect some pristine federal lands. Can one of those lands be somewhere to put all those giant snakes slithering all over Florida? Because I'd like to visit Disney World again at some point, but that's not happening until someone can promise me a snake-free experience.
Is Lisa Murkowski sitting with Steve Buscemi's twin?
Climate change is a fact and when our children's children look us in the eye and ask us if we seriously considered Donald Trump someone qualified to speak on the matter, we will hide our faces in shame.
Oh man, that is one creepy Schumerface, even for Schumer. You know I love you, Schumie.
Ford is not the best selling truck in America. The little truck-shaped box that Animal Crackers come in definitely sells better.
"Tonight, I've asked Vice President Biden to train Americans to be Bidenier."
Get up, GOP. Some of you are going to need unemployment insurance real soon. So clap.
"We are stronger when America fields a full team!" Like the Red Sox. WORLD SERIES CHAMPS!
Man, nobody clapped for me when I got into college. Then again, American University kind of forgot to send out my acceptance letter. They sent me a beach towel to make up for the delay, though.
One of the best investments we can make in a child's life is high-quality early education. Another one is taking away their X-Box.
People wear some really weird shit to the State of the Union.
With the help of our good friends, the telecom conglomerates, we're working to redesign schools to make them fixable just by unplugging them and waiting thirty seconds before restarting them.
Yeah! Equality shout-out! Pelosi and Feinstein! 77 cents! Not an entirely accurate figure but I'll let it go! Mad men!
"I believe when women succeed, America succeeds!" Crazy hair lady high five!
And we have the first shot of the night of some dick playing with his iPhone.
"No woman can ever be charged more just for being a woman." Hell yeah.
Some straightforward words for Congress. Knock it off with the motherfucking ACA repeal votes.
Yeah! One woman from the GOP side is standing! A record! The first forty votes WERE plenty. Plenty idiotic.
Gov. Steve Bashir, not to be confused with other, more war-criminalish Bashirs and Bashars.
Kids, call your moms. A message from the elderly Jewish woman living in Obama's head.
The Bipartisan Committee to Make Voting Less Annoying - we could use that here in NYC. And I would have to call the voter fraud hotline less.
I intend to keep trying, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU FUCKSTICKS IN CONGRESS, to keep tragedies from happening.
Standing for the Armed Forces - almost as touching as bringing them the hell home.
Tonight, the United States is more secure because of our what our troops did overseas. Well. Kind of. I mean, if you don't count Guantanamo and stuff like that, and try not to think too hard about how nation-unbuilding might come back to bite us in the ass.
"Remnants of al Quada." I think they prefer the term "Iraq."
Hey, uh, where ya goin' with that nation-building talk, there? Maybe a little less ushering in peace for the Syrian people and a little more supporting the Syrian people through international cooperation, humanitarian aid, and aid for regional capacity building, yeah?
Ruth Bader Ginsberg is officially asleep. Can't blame her. We're into obligatory pandering now. Israel. Check.
Loving the subtext. "If you send me a new sanctions bill, I will veto it. Read my lips. I will fuck you up if you ruin this shit."
WHAT UP, U-KRAY-KRAY? We see you over there with your protests and your demands for reform. Meet for a drink at Sochi, maybe talk about the Ruskies behind their backs? No? Quick high five at the opening ceremonies and a polite nod over biscotti and tea at the Olympic village? Nothing? Okay, sorry, we were kind of busy freaking out about Syria and Iran and domestic data collection and stuff, we didn't mean to ignore you. Please be our friend. We're sending a really, really fabulously gay delegation. We're kind of concerned nobody's going to talk to us.
Thumbs up for Sgt. Remsberg. PBS just keeps captioning (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) over and over. And over. Nice.
We now move into the poetic rhetoric and hopeful, eager tone portion of the evening.
If our feet are planted in today and our eyes are cast toward tomorrow, does that make us psychic?
Handshakes now. PBS moves into roundtablery and I move into microwaving soup.
